An Angry Child

When I was a baby, my grandmother raised me. Now, this isn’t to say that my mother wasn’t there, my memories just consist of my grandmother more. When I had the chicken pox, I laid in my grandmother’s bed drinking strawberry milk from a bottle while eating 3 Musketeers. At this point, I was not an angry child.

I always wondered then, why her and not me….??

When I was 4, my sister arrived. My mom raised her and I remember being filled with resentment, even at that young age. She had ultimately become the chosen one. I recall my grandmother asking if I wanted her thrown off our balcony and I said yes. As I child I can remember truly meaning it. As an adult, I am definitely thankful they didn’t listen to the jealous little girl who was angry at her baby sister and at life.

Anger and resentment consumed me

An angry child

As I said, I grew up with a lot of anger and resentment. I remember not wanting my sister there. I remember being torn between loving my mother and hating her. As a kid, I didn’t know how to handle my emotions so I spent a great deal of my time making life as miserable for others as I felt inside.

I was in trouble a lot. And this was because I didn’t know how to handle my anger and rejection. My mother didn’t know how to handle her anger either. She was angry at me, herself, and her own childhood. In the end, we were both very angry people who didn’t mix well together. With my mother, I found myself an angry child.

When I lived with my grandmother I remember being so happy. I felt so much love and felt like I was important in someone’s life. Surely my mother felt I was important to her, but as a child, you just really don’t see it.

There had to be something wrong with me

I went to so many counselors to see what was wrong with me. It was so very hard to truly open up to any of them. I walked around with the fear that my mom would know what I truly felt. Part of me didn’t want her to hurt and another didn’t want to be in trouble. Surely that made it very hard on my mom, I rarely told her what was going on with me. Even though I was always so angry at her, deep down I never truly wanted to hurt her soul past the point of repair.

Halfway between normal and depressedIt’s really hard as a child, walking around with this anger in your belly that never goes away. I tried praying it out, screaming it out, crying it out and nothing helped. As an adult, I can still remember the ball of emptiness that I help in myself for so long. Carrying that ball of emptiness for a very long time was so hard. I was an angry child with depression. I didn’t know what depression was back then, I am definitely more aware now.

It took a very long time to get through it

It took a very long time for me to get through the pain and the anguish I could never seem to truly let go. I got angrier as the years past. Even to this day, I can feel that anger and sadness. As an adult, I realize that I was grieving. If only I knew then what I know now. Funny how we walk around life thinking about that, hindsight and all.

I spent an entire childhood grieving.

I was always stuck on the part that controlled the anger. As a teenager, I learned that grief comes in many forms and for many different reasons. I had spent so much time in depression as a child and adolescent that I wrote my senior paper on it.  In my volunteer work for this paper, I donated time to a grief counseling group. There is where I learned that I was going through so much more than just being angry. It was definitely a light bulb moment. It was through this group that I gained a voice. I was able to explain a little to my mom why I slept more than I should. And overall had little motivation for much. Amidst this grief, I was an angry child with depression.

Then I became a mother

Stormy seas of depressionNow I am a grown woman with children of her own. Each time one of them act out I am quick to talk to them. I need to let them know I am here. I need to let them know that it’s ok to feel things. And most of all it is more than all right that they talk to me about anything. I remember being a kid and not being able to fully express myself. As a mother, I will never want my children to feel that ball of depression that weighs you down as you are drowning in an ocean of yourself. It’s hard enough being a kid in this world. There are constantly others judging you or making fun of you. I don’t want my kids to feel like I am on cruise control with them in the back seat, along for the ride.

As a child

As a child, there are many things that can easily disrupt your life. It is confusing and can very well make you angry about anything and everything. The worst part is lashing out about things don’t even truly bother you just to get the emotions out. You deserve a safe place to talk. There is absolutely no reason to be a lost angry child with depression. Depression is a major problem today and there is no need for it. It has to stop.

As a parent

As a parent, we sometimes forget that kids do go through things that are so strong and intense for them. What they are going through seems so little to us compared to what we are going through but to them, it is their world. We need to be their safe haven. There is no need for our child to be an angry child with depression. We as parents need to understand that we are their world. It is our job to give security and healthy ways to cope, and not angry at what they say. We are raising the next generation that will be taking over the world. Take a step back when you can and try to think when you were that age or when you felt like you were really going through something hard as a child. You are an amazing parent and can guide your child through this.

I survived

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2 thoughts on “An Angry Child”

  1. This was amazing! Your depth and insight is incredible. I’m saving this in my notes for when I decide to have a little one. Keep on rockin’ Jessica!

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